Monday, February 12, 2007

"We apologise for any inconvenience this may cause."

I heard these words today.

In fact, I think I've heard them every day since moving to good ol' London Town. Which was, fact fans, 12.5 years ago.

And, being as there's 365 days a year (no, I'm not arsing about with Leap Years), I reckon that's...




4,562.5 days. Give or take.

Minus, let's say, 1300 days for weekends.

Subtract too, about 250 days for holiday. Fuck, 250 days holiday? Where did they all go?

So, we end up with...

... something like,...


3102.5 days, on which I've heard the above announcement. Or variations thereon.

And I've come to the, possibly not very earth-shattering, conclusion that it means ABSOLUTELY NOTHING.

Fuck all.

It certainly doesn't mean they're sorry. If they were sorry I'm sure we'd all see the station staff rushing up to the delayed masses begging forgiveness, with eyes drowning in tears of genuine remorse. But we don't. Unless I was away that day.

Frankly, it just irritates. And even though those responsible may seem as stupid as Andrew Wilkinson, the divvy in my class at school, they're surely not so daft as to want to annoy us on purpose. After all, they have timetables to do that.

So here's my solution offered free of charge to any purveyor of public transport wishing to placate the downtrodden masses who suffer their 'service'.

Instead of pretending to be sorry, why not say things that would at least bring a smile to people's faces. For example:

1) Recite a list of British sporting heroes as a reminder of gallant deeds that lifted the nation... Bobby Charlton, Steve Redgrave, Sebastian Coe, Kelly Holmes, Ian Botham, Eddie the Eagle... well, you get the gist.

2) Play a recording of Tommy Cooper: "I backed a horse today, at twenty to one. It came in at half past four." Or Morecombe, Izzard... Dennis... taste varies, obviously.

3) Play snatches of famous sporting commentary: "And here comes Hurst, he's got... some people are on the pitch..." Or famous speeches: "We will fight them on the beaches...".

I'd better stop now, this is starting to make sense.

1 comment:

UnConVentional said...

HAHA!!! This is so true!

I'm so glad I found this, I made a video a little while ago with the title 'we apologise for any inconvenience this may cause'. Having just read this, I think you should go to