Thursday, February 01, 2007

Look out! Swallows!

I'm no great churchgoer, in fact the last time I went was... no, it's gone. But I couldn't resist this plaintive note pinned to a church door in Wales.

For a moment I thought 'Swallows' referred to a particularly unpleasant family who had been barred by the vicar for causing trouble during the service. Perhaps defacing hymn books; carving their initials in the back of the pews; overly aggressive praying. Or, and this was a particular bugbear of the headmaster at my school... spitting.

But hey dumbass, I thought, these are birds. You know, feathers and shit, innit.

So it looks as though squadrons of them had been bombarding our helpless rev as per Tippi Hedren in "The Birds". Perhaps even during his sermon.

REV: So therefore, following the example of St Paul, we must look deeply at ourselves, into ourselves and... who let those fucking swallows in? They're shitting in the font! Bastard cunts!"

I felt the least I could do was go inside and have a look round, maybe drop a quid in the organ fund box.

Don't recall shutting the door on my way out though.


Anna said...

Such a sweet note, and yet somehow you manage to fill it with swearing. Shame on you. I imagine a little old lady wrote that lovely note. Probably the one who arranges the flowers, filling the church with a heavenly scent, and bakes cakes to go with the tea that they have out in the churchyard on a sunday.

Martin said...
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Martin said...

Sorry Anna, the handwriting is clearly that of a harrassed vicar. Note the firm horizontal strokes on the letter T, the use of capitals and the precise punctuation. It's short and to the point because there's a vital message that needs communicating and there isn't much time.
So, not a lovely fluffy old lady who would probably write in wobbly biro, but a man of the cloth at the end of his tether from dive-bombing birds.