Monday, December 18, 2006

Another belter



This 'message' has been appearing with depressing regularity in the free newspapers that carpet the insides of our public transport each morning.

In it npower, for it is they, liken the drop you'll receive in your energy bill if you switch from British Gas, to jumping (presumably screaming) out of an aeroplane.

Look, they say, this man is having a wonderful time as he plummets to earth at several hundred miles an hour. And the experience is exactly the same when you switch to npower.

However the faces of the yellow and blue balls falling with our new npower customer tell a rather different story.

They're shitting bricks.

Friday, December 15, 2006

Great ad!



Serious big-time hats off to the creative genius behind this festive ad from 3V.

No, I've never heard of them either but it's always good to welcome a new player onto the scene, especially one who can call upon such creative wizardry that clearly lies behind this piece of 'work'.

There you are, sweating away at your desk, desperately trying to communicate safe, pre-paid online vouchers (hey, we've all been there) in a simple, easy-to-understand way, when suddenly, in a blinding flash of inspiration, the solution presents itself.

Meercats.

Dressed up as though they've been Christmas shopping. Because that is what Meercats do, don't you see? And as they're responsible for the vast majority of online consumer spending these days it makes perfect sense.

And they're popular too. Remember that programme about them on the telly, narrated by the nice Mr Attenborough? How cool was that!

This ad is gonna be a sure-fire hit. And you can damn well quote me on that too!

Wednesday, December 13, 2006

Read all about it



Hang on.

'Ripper'?

I thought that word was only used to describe a certain method of murder (Peter Sutcliffe, Jack the Ripper) characterised by a high level of butchery.

At the time of writing however, one of the chief distinguishing characteristics of each victim has been the absence of any hint of violence.

So why not write 'Ipswich killer' or 'serial killer'?

Because 'ripper' is the best way of sensationalising this crime and flogging more newspapers?

Of course, why let facts stand in the way of a good headline.

Silly me.

Monday, December 11, 2006

Fruit?



Poorly-designed labels for kids' drinks are hardly the place to look for linguistic logic but here's a corker nevertheless from Minute Maid (who? - no idea).

Whoa what are you saying man, do you see how they've spelled 'fruit'? That's not logic, it's madness.

Point taken, but don't you think it's actually far more logical to spell the word 'f-r-o-o-t' than 'f-r-u-i-t'? Yes, I know 'Froot' is only a name conjured up by some marketing loon, and let's face it, a couple of hours in a strip-lit meeting room surrounded by other 'marketeers' is likely to make even the sanest spout bollocks.

But 'fruit'. Or, 'frewit' as it conceivably might be pronounced. I mean, why? What's wrong with spelling words as they are sounded?

Steady on you fool, do you know what you're saying?

What vocab snobs in Britain deride as poor American English spelling could also be termed common sense. Why does 'colour' need a 'u'? Color. There, see. And with the constant seepage of US culture into all parts of the globe, will 'English' eventually be identified by American spelling? And called 'American'?

What rot! I shall be writing a very stiff letter to the Daily Mail about this!

After all we have 'Kwik Save' and 'Kwik Fit'. Yes, I know, brand names. But surely a more sensible way to spell the word than 'q-u-i-c-k'. And it's not dissimilar to 'cwic', an olde englishe word that meant 'alive'. Probably because in those days running fast improved one's life expectancy.

So, could spelling be going back to its roots?

Then of course, we have text speak. Or should that be 'txt spk'?

Aaaaaarrrrrggggghhhhh!!!!!

Friday, December 08, 2006

It's Cliff!



Don't know if Cliff's releasing a Christmas single this year but, even if he was, I doubt the author of this comment will be buying it.

Whoever it was clearly loathes the 'Peter Pan of Pop' (copyright, every tabloid in Britain) a great deal.

Not content with merely daubing 'I'm a cunt' across the face of Sue Barker's Ex, the anonymous scribbler has gone further by adding the word 'right' into the abusive mix. Thus informing us that, in the opinion of said wordsmith, Cliff's levels of cuntness have reached a peak that everyday run-of-the-mill cunts can only dream of.

In the words of Cliff himself at the 1968 Eurovision Song Contest... 'Congratulations!'

Tuesday, December 05, 2006

Ho, ho, ho



Nice to see a bit of 'bah humbug' amid the schmaltz.

So full marks to the expensive jewellery department at Selfridges who don't give a bugger for price reductions just because it happens to be the 'festive' season.

Let's face it, they'd be pretty meaningless anyway when the trinket you've got your eye on is upwards of ten grand, and no amount of fifty-quid-off stickers is going to change that.

Friday, December 01, 2006

Lovey stuff



Cheery messages written on free newspapers and left for other people to pick up on public transport?

Fuck, yeah!

Despite the shaky writing and piss-poor spelling, the generosity of spirit shines out in a cynical old world.

Nice smiley face too.

Shame about the haircut.